It’s done. The tickets for my return to the States, graciously donated by Grandma Pieper, are all set. Today I purchased the domestic tickets from Travelocity (Though reluctantly, online airfare outlets always frighten me; “This ticket is NONREFUNDABLE, so don’t SCREW THIS UP!” “Are you sure you want to buy this? Wait a few more days, it might be cheaper…” “Click here to read all forty pages of conditions.” “Fax your signature in blood to the following number...”). Even though I won’t be getting on a plane for another six weeks, my heart is palpitating as though it’s tomorrow and no more clean underwear resides in my closet. I’m sweating bullets.
If this is the first that you’ve heard of my “vacation” in the States, it’s probably because I haven’t made any incredible effort to disseminate the news. I’m not sure why, but the whole process has been approached with a certain degree of trepidation on my part. Things are going to be weird. Questions will be asked, and answers expected. Playing dumb won’t cut it. To boot, it isn’t as though this has taken me by surprise (the international flights were nailed down last February) so there’s no excuse there.
“Peter, so, what have you been doing for the last year and a half?”
“Do you act as a respectable ambassador for the United States?”
“Is everyone poor?”
“That’s how my taxpayer’s dollars are spent?”
“What do the bathrooms look like?”
“Where is the Philippines? Do people wear fig leaves?”
“Why are you still so white? Damn!”
I’m sure there are perfectly good explanations for all of these questions, save the last.
Uncertainty about function and place has become chronic. The moment I think it’s all figured out, something changes. It was an important step to sit at home and considered what two years in a strange country would be like, to intellectually face the difficulties, and yet quite another to be here. What happened to all the wonderful ideas that foundered? Where have these infinitesimal steps taken me? And then to be expected to have constructive, reasoned things to say about it (or even worse, something to show for it!)? I’m not so concerned that people will not be satisfied if certain questions are difficult to answer – perhaps I would be suspect if it was all already worked out! Personal dissatisfaction is what concerns me - not just in the description of the thing, but the thing itself. Being frustrated with oneself is not an easy situation to resolve; it takes time. Resolution will not arrive before July, regardless of the meantime activities.
This is not to say that talking about the last year is a subject to be avoided! On the contrary, I hope that by facing these confused and complicated issues some sense can be made. Resolution, to whatever degree, can occur; at the very least, a renewed sense of purpose may be found. No matter how much one loves their job or hobby, a recharge is necessary from time to time. Over all, that is the function I see this homecoming as serving. Renewal. To be with the people who have mattered so much for so long, but who have been physically distant for the last 16 months. That is what I’m really looking forward to, with no reservations. That, and cheese curds.
Even with my heavy sweat, I’m relieved to have finished one more piece of the puzzle – the picture just became that much clearer.
If this is the first that you’ve heard of my “vacation” in the States, it’s probably because I haven’t made any incredible effort to disseminate the news. I’m not sure why, but the whole process has been approached with a certain degree of trepidation on my part. Things are going to be weird. Questions will be asked, and answers expected. Playing dumb won’t cut it. To boot, it isn’t as though this has taken me by surprise (the international flights were nailed down last February) so there’s no excuse there.
“Peter, so, what have you been doing for the last year and a half?”
“Do you act as a respectable ambassador for the United States?”
“Is everyone poor?”
“That’s how my taxpayer’s dollars are spent?”
“What do the bathrooms look like?”
“Where is the Philippines? Do people wear fig leaves?”
“Why are you still so white? Damn!”
I’m sure there are perfectly good explanations for all of these questions, save the last.
Uncertainty about function and place has become chronic. The moment I think it’s all figured out, something changes. It was an important step to sit at home and considered what two years in a strange country would be like, to intellectually face the difficulties, and yet quite another to be here. What happened to all the wonderful ideas that foundered? Where have these infinitesimal steps taken me? And then to be expected to have constructive, reasoned things to say about it (or even worse, something to show for it!)? I’m not so concerned that people will not be satisfied if certain questions are difficult to answer – perhaps I would be suspect if it was all already worked out! Personal dissatisfaction is what concerns me - not just in the description of the thing, but the thing itself. Being frustrated with oneself is not an easy situation to resolve; it takes time. Resolution will not arrive before July, regardless of the meantime activities.
This is not to say that talking about the last year is a subject to be avoided! On the contrary, I hope that by facing these confused and complicated issues some sense can be made. Resolution, to whatever degree, can occur; at the very least, a renewed sense of purpose may be found. No matter how much one loves their job or hobby, a recharge is necessary from time to time. Over all, that is the function I see this homecoming as serving. Renewal. To be with the people who have mattered so much for so long, but who have been physically distant for the last 16 months. That is what I’m really looking forward to, with no reservations. That, and cheese curds.
Even with my heavy sweat, I’m relieved to have finished one more piece of the puzzle – the picture just became that much clearer.
posted by peter at 01:35
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